Finding Yourself
by evafan89
Summary: Buffy leaves Sunnydale behind as she searches for herself and a way to move on with her life.
1. Prologue

Title: Finding Yourself

Author: Evafan89

Disclaimer: I did not create nor do I own the characters of Buffy the vampire slayer or the music written by Evanescence. I am only borrowing them temporarily for my own amusement.

Summary: Buffy leaves Sunnydale behind as she searches for herself and a way to move on with her life.

Prologue

Without the mask where will you hidecan't find yourself lost in your lie

-Evanescence "Everybody's Fool"

When Buffy came back she knew she had to have come back broken. She was only a distorted part of what she had once been. Buffy Summers had once been the unstoppable blonde force. She had her family backing her with every step she took. Yet all good things came to an end. Buffy's end sent her hurtling into a bright ball of energy giving her way to heaven. She had died a hero for with her death meant that the world would be able to continue to turn. She had gained her place in heaven with every good deed she had committed in her days on earth. But now she was back living in a place that seemed to be hell. She was broken and she could see it in her families eyes every time she saw them. She wished they would hide it better, but though they thought they were helping her become better they were making it worse. She could see in their eyes what they were thinking. Buffy came back wrong. She obviously wasn't fooling them with her fake façade of being alright. She sure as hell wasn't fooling herself. She had gone to Spike for comfort, but lost herself even further in the process. So many lies had flown out of her mouth since she had come back that she didn't know what the truth was through the distorted lie that had become her life. That was exactly what she had written in her letter. At the end she couldn't help but mention the fact that while they thought she had been in some unknown horrible hell dimension she had actually been at peace with herself for once in her life. She told them for the first time since she had entered the living hell that was known as living for a second time that she had actually been in heaven or what felt like it. Buffy didn't know what their reaction was going to be, but she could just envision their guilty expressions and how Giles would clean his glasses more than once. Buffy was leaving Sunnydale to sort out what her life had become and where it was going to go after it. She knew that Dawn was in good hands for she wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place. Spike had promised to take care of her for no matter how much she had screwed with him she knew that he understood. She thought back to the night she had gone to him days before as the bus sped down the darkened highway that led out of Sunny hell.

_Buffy banged on the door to Spike's crypt one night until Spike finally came and answered it. He was about to yell at her when he noticed the look in her eyes and the tears __that had stained her cheeks. Spike had never been able to see Buffy that way. He always had a soft spot in his heart for the blonde slayer._

_"Buffy?" Spike asked, "What's wrong love?"_

_Spike led Buffy into his crypt and sat her down on his lone recliner that stood in front of an old TV that he watched Passions on. He kneeled in front of her and waited several moments before she finally began to speak._

_"Look Spike what we've been doing was wrong," Buffy told him, "__What I have been doing to you was wrong. I used you the fact that you loved me to get what I needed, but I don't love you. I am so sorry. It's not you and you've got to understand that. I can't even love myself right now."_

_"I know," Spike told her, "I guess I used you in a way too."_

_"Maybe one day when I get my head straight we can give this thing another try, but I need to understand everything going on up here," Buffy told him. _

_"I'm here if you ever need me," Spike told her._

_Buffy knew that he would always be there for her. She hadn't thought that he would want to stick around after the past month of her using him. She had put him through the wringer emotionally and physically. If she was him she wasn't so sure she would have given herself another shot. But Spike was an amazing man because of that. He didn't have a soul __and yet he had more emotion then__ Angel had__ with one_

_"There is something you can do for me," Buffy told him hoping that what she was about to ask him wasn't going to be too much._

_"Anything love," Spike told her._

_"I need to leave Sunnydale while I get my life back in order," Buffy told him, "But I still have Dawn to think about. Please look after her."_

_"Of course Buffy," Spike told her._

Buffy snapped out of her thoughts when her seat was jolted from the five-year-old that was sitting behind her on the bus. She didn't even bother turning around to tell them to cut it out since had been a onetime thing. Even if it had been a recurring thing she just didn't have the energy to fight with mothers about their annoying children. She had her own problems to work through. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was almost midnight. She wondered if the others were asleep or if they were out looking for her. She knew the first place they would look would be LA. But she was smart and didn't go there for she knew that they would never think to look where she was going now. She needed to be rid of the scoobies and their guilt. Though she knew that they really did care she couldn't stand their eyes that were full of concern and guilt when they realized where she had actually been. The one thing she was sad that she had left was her sister Dawn. Dawn didn't have much of anyone left and Buffy hoped that she could take her sister running yet again. She hoped that Dawn understood why Buffy needed to do this. While the others all ran around crying because they know it was party their fault she hoped that Dawn understood and accepted what Buffy did. She was the one that Buffy was counting on to realize. She didn't blame them, but she didn't want to go to their guilt party either. Buffy looked out the window of the bus as it careened down the darkened highway. Wherever she decided to go she hoped that at the end of her journey she would find herself and be able to go back to her family one day.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry for the long delay. It's impossible to write and do all the school work required of you in college. I'll try to finish up the story before I head back to college on the 26 of January. I hope I didn't lose too many of you. I apologize again.

Chapter One

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol

After being on the road for a month the one thing Buffy learned was that her life was not going to change with time. It was her that needed to change herself. Buffy took that knowledge and ran with it as she stepped into a place that she had promised herself she would never return too. It was still too dangerous for her to be in LA. She wasn't even talking about how there was no sun and Angel had lost his soul becoming Angeles once more. Buffy was talking more about the fact that the Scooby gang could be around any corner as they were most likely still searching for her. It had only been a month since she had last stood in Sunnydale. Buffy pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she moved through the darkened streets of LA. She arrived at the hotel that she knew Angel had been living in with his friends without much problem. She only came in contact with about twenty vampires, but now they were all just piles of dust. When Buffy entered the hotel she didn't see anyone around.

"Hello," Buffy called out, "Anyone home?"

Just as Buffy spoke her last word an arrow flew at her. She only managed to jump out of the way as it grazed her left arm tearing her shirt in the process. Buffy didn't even notice the cut on her arm as she quickly sprang into her defense position. She quickly scanned the room trying to figure out where the arrow had come from and if anymore was to come her way any time soon. She spotted movement at the top of the stairs and she quickly rolled over so her back was to the far wall. From this point no one was able to hit her with any arrows unless they were to come down the stairs.

"Who are you?" a familiar British voice called from above.

The British voice sounded familiar but she wasn't able to place who it was. She knew it wasn't Giles since he was still back in Sunnydale. He was the only man from Britain that she knew in the United States besides Wesley. Then it occurred to her that Wesley had been working for Angel the last time she had spoken to him. It had surprised her at first especially when she saw how much he had changed since his days in Sunnydale as the uptight watcher she had first met.

"Wesley it's me Buffy," Buffy called out.

Buffy heard muttering above and she couldn't help but think some things would never change for the watcher. Then she heard him yell to others that the coast was clear. After a few moments Wesley appeared on the stairs along with some others that Buffy didn't recognize. The last time she had been there was when Faith had escaped from Sunnydale and had gone to Angel for help. The only other two people she had seen besides Angel had been Cordelia and Wesley.

"Buffy it is good to see you," Wesley told her.

After introductions had been made she learned that the people Wesley was with was Fred, a girl they rescued from another dimension, Gunn, who was a local helping Angel, and Angel's son Connor. It was Connor that surprised Buffy though she didn't let it show on her face as she shook each of their hands as Wesley introduced them. It was just that Buffy had never thought it possible for vampires to have children. She never even thought it possible for Darla and Angel to have a child together. It wasn't as if she were mad that it wasn't her having it with him, but Darla of all people or vampires.

"So I heard some of what has been going on," Buffy told them to explain why she had shown up, "I figured I would come and lend a hand."

"Thank you. Your help is much needed," Wesley told her, "We were just about to call Sunnydale for assistance."

Buffy turned away so that Wesley wouldn't see the look on her face when Sunnydale was mentioned. She didn't want him to realize that she hadn't been in Sunnydale for over a month. If he knew she knew Wesley would hurry up and call there to let the others know that he had found Buffy for them. It was still to early for her to return home. She hadn't put her life back in order yet. She also knew that their pity party hadn't ended yet. She wondered if it ever would.

"So give me the details," Buffy told them, "What's been going on here?"

"We might as well sit down," Wesley told her, "We'll explain everything."

Buffy nodded before following Wesley in the direction of Angel's office. She agreed that it would be better if they were at least sitting and semi comfortable before it was discussed what was going on in Sunnydale. Before she was able to follow Wesley, Gunn, and Fred into the office she was stopped by Connor.

"How come you looked away when Wesley mentioned Sunnydale?" Connor asked her quietly.

Connor seemed to have the same effect on her as his father had. She suddenly felt compelled to tell him everything that had been bothering her.

"I haven't been home in a month," Buffy admitted, "Maybe we can talk more about this later?"

"Sure," Connor agreed, "But I'm going to hold you to it."

Buffy nodded before she headed into the room with Connor right behind her. She knew that it was going to be a long night. Or was it day? The lack of sun light was making it impossible to tell how much time had passed.


End file.
